Peanut Butter Revelation Part II: 4 Ways to Strengthen Your Self-Worth Muscles

Part Two

If you want to really know children, drive a carpool. There’s something about the lull in the commute, the scenery out the window, and the in-between moments that loosen their thoughts. If you’re lucky, they’ll share them with you.

Many years ago, I was driving the soccer boys across town for their match. It was before the Portland rainy season and the trees mingled their green and gold amidst the warehouses of Powell Boulevard. My son’s 9-year-old friend, Theo, had rolled down the backseat window and the breeze whooshed about the car like a crisp autumn lullaby. Then, Theo hollered these words into the wind:

“I…AM…SIGNIFICANT.”

He spoke without explanation and required no feedback. We were not audience. We were witness.

***

Isn't it awesome when kids can teach us important things? The story of Theo and his significance comes from a narrative essay called “I Used to Be You,” and centers around my grown up anxiety about fitting in at a professional conference. If you wanna learn more about how I got over myself, this story is published over at the Naked News. I’m including this little gem because it’s a great set up to what we’re about to get into in part two of Peanut Butter Revelation. Coming up are four ways to strengthen your self-worth muscles, and I think Theo’s backseat soliloquy just might be a fifth. When you’re done reading today, I would encourage you to roll down your window or simply walk outside and say these magic words into the wind. 

Way #1: The Self Shelf 

A few years ago, I made a fascinating discovery. The ledge above my kitchen sink was a pretty good external indicator for how well I was doing on the inside. 

Like many women, I spend a lot of time at the kitchen sink. In addition to cooking multiple meals a day, I am also the primary dishwasher. Hours of my life have been spent in that spot, which meant that anything that didn’t have an immediate home would end up in the land of misfit objects above the sink. Lego pieces, broken tea cups, and old receipts would wind up beside sentimental pictures of my children, sacred knick knacks, and half-dead plants. I began to notice that the degree of pile up on the shelf resembled a certain amount of personal neglect. 

This discovery has been a game changer when it comes to checking in with myself. The self shelf knows. And once you see it, you can’t unsee it. Here’s what’s cool about it. I’ve found that simply cleaning, sorting, and decorating the ledge above my kitchen sink can kickstart a self-care revival. The first step is always removal of old crap and dead stuff. Then, I relocate the estranged objects to their proper places. After a squirt of Meyer’s lemon verbena all-purpose cleaning spray, I wipe everything down and start over with a blank slate. The whole ritual ends with intentionally placing special tokens back on the shelf. Up goes a photo of my three boys wrestling, a few fresh cut flowers, and a new round of thyme and rosemary into the adorable little planters I bought from the shop in Multnomah Village. 

Not everyone has a self shelf in their kitchen. Maybe yours is your bedside table or your entryway or your car. I have one friend who regularly wrangles with her dining room table. The point is how you’re caring for yourself is often an invisible practice but there are ways to create check-ins to help regroup and prioritize. So after you read this, go find a spot that you frequent in your house that needs some attention. As you clean, dote, and nurture this area, make it beautiful too. Think of it as a little gift to your future self. 

Way #2: You Belong Here 

It’s a long way from eclipsing yourself to believing that you’re something special. But I believe you can get there. In Tara Brach’s Radical Self-Acceptance, she writes about the hangover of what she calls “growing up unworthy.” She tells this story originally included in Jack Kornfield and Christian Feldman’s Stories of the Spirit:

“A family went out to a restaurant for dinner. When the waitress arrived, the parents gave their orders. Immediately, their five year old daughter piped up with her own: ‘I’ll have a hot dog, french fries and a Coke.’ ‘Oh no you won’t,’ interjected her father. ‘She’ll have meatloaf, mashed potatoes, milk.’ Looking at the child with a smile, the waitress said, ‘So, hon, what do you want on that hot dog?’ When she left, the family sat stunned and silent. A few moments later the little girl, eyes shining, said, “She thinks I’m real.”

This poignant tale reminds us that we learn from an early age that our level of self-belief is heavily influenced by our unique family and cultural experiences. Early in her book, Brach offers a guided reflection to help you become aware of what she calls the ‘trance of unworthiness.’ Below are a few of the questions she asks readers to consider. (To do the full exercise and learn how to practice radical self-acceptance, get Brach’s book.)

Do I accept my body the way that it is? 

Do I judge myself for not being intelligent enough? Humorous? Interesting? 

Do I feel that my anxiety or anger is a sign that I am not progressing on a spiritual path? 

Am I down on myself for not accomplishing enough—for not standing out or being special in my work? 

Most people will never know just how hard we can be on ourselves because it’s all happening on the inside. For a lot of women, and I am among them, these questions shine a laser beam on our insecurities. But Brach believes strongly that you can cultivate the skills to begin to love yourself just as you are. And if you’re like, wait, I’m on a personal growth path. And I’ve got some serious shit that needs to change, Victoria, this advice will not derail your motivation.

Brach does not suggest that you pump the brakes necessarily. Instead, she wants you to operate from a place of self-love, rather than self-judgment or social pressure. “The greatest misunderstanding about radical self-acceptance is that if we simply accept ourselves we’ll lose our motivation to change and grow,” writes Brach. But psychology shows us that isn’t really how things work. According to Brach, “Our deepest nature is to awaken and flower…bringing Radical Acceptance to any part of our experience is the fundamental shift that opens the way to genuine, lasting change.” 

“Don’t turn away. Keep your eye on the bandaged place. That’s where the light enters you.” 

–Rumi 

Way #3: Girl You’re a Star

If you’ve struggled with self-worth or felt like just finding time for yourself is a challenge, I’d love to bring in someone who’s made a career out of helping people access their intuition and motivation. 

Mel Robbins is a bestselling New York Times author, podcast host, and personal growth expert. Her fans love her for her straight-talking wisdom and practical approach to going after your dreams. Robbins’ book, The High Five Habit, has a premise so simple you almost can’t believe in it. That’s because Robbins found that by giving yourself a high five in the mirror each morning you can radically change your levels of self-acceptance and belief. I know it sounds a little corny and if you try it, it kind of is. But here’s what you might not know. There’s a lot of research on the psychological benefits of high fives. In her book, Robbins outlines a study where researchers looked at how giving a high five might motivate children when faced with a difficult task. The researchers separated the kids into three groups who all received different feedback. Group A was given a compliment based on a trait, such as “You’re really smart!” Group B was given praise based on effort. Group C was simply given a high five. Who performed best and had the most fun? The kids who got the high fives. The researchers who conducted the study, published in Frontiers of Psychology, theorized that the kids were able to persist longer and work harder because they felt someone else was in it with them. 

And that’s kind of the whole premise of Robbins’ book. Too often we are not in it with ourselves. Our harsh internal critics are often the most brutal at the same place—the mirror—where Robbins asks us to be our biggest fan. 

“If you don’t cheer for yourself, who else will? 

—Mel Robbins 

What I love best about this book is that Robbins shows you how to turn the practice of a high five habit into what she calls a high five lifestyle. For all the quickstarts like me, she even has a challenge where she’ll coach you and cheer for you along the way. And if you’re still wondering how this would even work, I got you. Here’s how Robbins breaks down the high five habit. 

1. Stand in front of your reflection. Look beyond your appearance—see yourself as you really are and look for your spirit. 
2. When you’re ready (like when you’ve quieted all the noise about what you look like and how much older you are … when you’ve coached and complimented yourself and appreciated your wrinkles) give yourself a high five in the mirror. Notice what thought comes next. A lot of people find themselves saying things like “You’ve got this!” or “You’re the best” or “I’ve got you.” Personally, I like to say something Dr. B taught me years ago, “The best thing that ever happened to you, girl, is you.” 

It sounds simple, even silly, but it’s actually challenging. To look at yourself without judgment and to be the very first person, maybe even the only person, to give yourself encouragement today. It’s the opposite of self-sacrifice. It’s self-acknowledgement. And it's a very loving, kind thing that you can do for you—every damn day. 

Way #4: Mother Freudenefreude 

It’s always tempting to just start with the positive stuff. But all that can sound like bullcrap when you’re more frenemy than fan to yourself. As you sort through your levels of self-sacrifice and self-acceptance, forming habits around loving and celebrating yourself will start to seem more possible and fun.

One of my own practices includes overriding my negative body thoughts with loads of love. When my belly feels especially squishy, I caress my tummy and say “thank you for doing so much for me.” I tell my body that she’s done a great job with growing all the babies and fueling all of my creative endeavors. I have shifted from calling my belly my “little pooch” to “my memories.” It’s a work in progress but it’s now a regular thought override. And you know what? I really like being friends with me. I am thoughtful, kind, and hardworking. I am a good mother to me. Whatever else my mind wants to say about me—those thoughts belong to someone else, and me and my mom, say you can fuck off. 

If you want to join me on this road, I want to share with you one of my favorite words, freudenfreude. Freudenfreude comes from the German word for joy and means to find pleasure in someone else’s success, accomplishment, or good fortune. I initially encountered it in Brené Brown’s seminal work Atlas of the Heart. It’s especially meaningful when you understand its antonym, schadenfreude, which refers to taking pleasure in someone else’s misfortune. In the “Dog Ate My Compass,” I mentioned that I even included this extraordinary term in my wedding vows, which I based on three special words related to my husband. 

Something that attracted me to Kyle very early on was the way he celebrated others. And his celebrations were not just limited to humans. The first time we went fishing together, I watched as he threw his fist in the air like a champion when a circling osprey dove into the water and emerged with a large rainbow trout. He did this for the crows that lived on his street too, whenever they’d drop the acorns from the power lines then swoop down to enjoy their spoils. He does this for friends, clients, our kids, me. In my vows, I told this story, explained the meaning of my favorite f word (because hey even on my wedding day I love helping others expand their vocabulary), and looked right into Kyle’s eyes and promised to freudenfreude him so much he would probably get sick of it. 

Not everybody has a Kyle in their lives, I know. Hell, I don’t even have Kyle around to celebrate with me all of the time. Between his work travel and our apart-together lifestyle, I often need to be my own cheerleader. 

Sometimes we need other people to show us how normal it can be to celebrate ourselves. I know I do. When I got to the end of The High Five Habit, Mel Robbins did something that I have literally never seen done before. So in the spirit of knowing, accepting, and loving yourself, here’s one of the best inspirational examples of how we can be the first ones to celebrate just how amazing we are. This quote comes from the acknowledgements section in The High Five Habit.

“First, I acknowledge myself. Yes, Mel Robbins, you deserve a huge round of applause. This book took 3 years, 2 publishers, 13 gigabytes of memory, 21 gallons of Phish Food ice cream, 7 boxes of tissues, a few handfuls of Advil PM. This has been one of the hardest chapters of my life. Writing through it saved me and eventually this book appeared. I can’t believe the shit I’ve been through (the lawyers won’t let me say more) and still, here I am. I freaking did it. I’m proud of myself. So, to me, Mel Robbins, I need to say: High F*cking Five.”

Peanut Butter Revelation Theory 

Kyle has observed on more than one occasion that I have too many jars of open peanut butter. It’s true. While I resolved to never sacrifice crunchy peanut butter for creamy, to live the life of a peanut butter princess who flouts peanut butter varieties (not to mention almond butter and pecan butter on occasion), I have yet to figure out how to properly organize a refrigerator (or pantry) and frequently lose a half empty jar to the fridge vortex. It’s a mildly annoying habit that mostly makes no difference in my life at all. 

What’s notable about this flaw, however, is that I can both see it and accept it about myself now. And that’s what eventually happens. As you begin to notice more of what you like, don’t like, want, and don’t want, you’ll uncover the good with the bad. I encourage you to embrace all that you find, grab onto it like a soft round belly and give it a good shake, say thank you, thank you for coming here. More than anything I want any self-examination you undertake to help you remember a profound truth. Whoever you are and whoever you want to become, you are already a wondrous marvel. 

Peanut Butter Revelation Toast 

1 Slice of Chewy Sourdough Bread,* toasted

1-2 Generous Tablespoons of High Quality Peanut Butter

½ of a sliced banana 

A drizzle of Georgia Sourwood honey**

A sprinkle of Himalayan Sea Salt 

Optional: 1 Tsp of Chia Seeds

Enjoy! 

Notes:

*Any toast will do — something with texture is best 

**Any honey will do but Georgia Sourwood Honey is the best!